I enjoy doing pre-marital counseling with couples and yet, there is always a sense of futility deep in my heart about the couples that I face. For them, marriage truly is a "dweam within a dweam." It is this mystical fog of cupcakes and ice cream. Googly eyes and fog machines seem to fill my office I speak and see the couples declare their love for one another, their lack of conflict which will definitively translate to a lack of conflict in marriage, and their evaluation of one another's foibles as cute idiosyncrasies. "Oh, we only have a few spats over nothing," but eventually that pebble in the shoe becomes Half Dome.
That's why I appreciate Ed Welch's "Three Relationship Rules." It leaves no quarter for people to hide in their dweam within a dweam. He says:
1. If something bothers you, give it to the relationship.
2. When one person is working, the other person should be working too.
3. If the other person asks you to do something and you can do it right away, then do it right away.
These are three rules I plan on passing along to every husband, wife, married couple of many years, engaged couple. Each rule is significant.
In Rule #1, he says: "If either my wife or myself have any struggle in our own hearts that lasts longer than thirty seconds, and the other person is involved in any way, we give it to the relationship. That is, we talk about it." I can't tell you how many times people say to me, "Oh, we only fight over small, silly things." In other words, we fight over those things that deeply matter ultimately in our hearts, but we just push them aside because its only a small hurt. Small hurts reveal an underlying problem. Left alone, that small hurt can destroy a marriage. Marriage means giving all hurts to the relationship. It's worth the time spent dealing with it, though it can lead to short-term difficulties. Mawidge pushes small hurts aside until there is no longer hurt at all, but there is no relationship either.
In Rule #2, I have found this to be so true over the years. When my wife is working and I am simply goofing around or relaxing, there is a "growing frustration" that can come over time. Habits are formed easily. Ed Welch is not addressing the one time of relaxation, but when the patterns begin with the one time, and they do occur, the frustration builds.
In Rule #3, every person has this problem, from children to adults. We expect this in children because they are self-centered without any training or filters. That's why there are parents, to train their kids to actually care for God and others. But we adults, we are no less guilty. The other's needs are not our priority. But oh should the shoe be on the other foot, that's when we have a convulsion of frustration. As Ed Welch observes, "Right away is better."
Mawidge, the dweam within a dweam, is fantasyland. Marriage is founded on love, and love is an action of the will. Sometimes that will is strong we refuse to yield it, we feel as though we cannot yield it. Without our will remembering Jesus and His work for us on our behalf, and the joy that we are promised as we trust Him, then truly all we have are our dweams.